


After the War

by kwehner1



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Minor spoilers for the last rebuild movie, Nagisa Kaworu Lives, Nightmares, Post rebuild movies, Rebuild of Evangelion Sequel/Time Loop Theory, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29951319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwehner1/pseuds/kwehner1
Summary: Kaworu and Shinji sit in a coffee shop and talk about their trauma and feelings after entering the new world.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

Shinji and Kaworu sat across from each other in a booth at a coffee shop. This was the first time they had been alone since coming to the new world. They’d been around each other plenty of times, but they’d also been around Rei, Mari, and Asuka during those times too. It’s amazing how quickly a group can be brought together after enduring the apocalypse with each other.

Kaworu stared in silence at his coffee. Where to even begin? It felt like there was a mountain of things he wanted to say, but now that he was here with Shinji, he had no idea where to start.

Shinji started, “Did you know baristas can make pictures out of the cream in coffee? I saw one online the other day, it was a little bunny.” 

Kaworu chuckled, “It’s amazing what humans can accomplish when they have no immediate needs. When they aren’t fighting for their lives, coffee art becomes something that can be created and appreciated.”

They were silent for a moment, savoring the moment of levity before delving into the heavier topics.

“I wanted to thank you for saving me. I had been so caught up in helping you achieve happiness that I never stopped to think about my own. I fear that I’d been neglecting myself for so long, I had forgotten what it’s like to love yourself.” Kaworu’s voice came out in stutters as his throat began to tighten. He wiped at his eyes when tears blurred his vision. Shinji took his hand in his, his fingers delicate, like they were handling a porcelain doll, yet firm, showing unwavering support.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Kaworu, if it wasn’t for you, I would have never gained confidence in myself. You were there for me when no one else was, when it felt like the world had abandoned me. I guess you could say if you hadn’t saved me during that time, I never could have saved you. So I guess we’re even in that department.” Shinji smiled reassuringly, though there was a tinge of sadness, “By the way, I haven’t really had a chance to ask, but how have you been doing? City life is so… normal compared to our previous lives. It seems unreal sometimes.”

Kaworu cringed, he’d known this topic would need to be addressed, but he didn’t like talking about it. “I-I haven’t been doing amazing. I get nightmares on a daily basis, and I’ll wake up and think I’m on the moon again, stuck in the cycle still. Honestly compared to those times, the times spent here with you and the others still feel like a dream. So I haven’t really been sleeping well.” Kaworu paused, staring at Shinji’s hand, rubbing his thumb over Shinji’s knuckles. “I never thought- I always was so focused on breaking you out of the cycle, I never in my wildest dreams thought that there would be a future for me after it ended. So I guess I’m not really sure what to do now. Compared to before, I feel so directionless.”

Shinji withdrew his hand, and Kaworu raised his eyes, hurt at first until he realized Shinji was sliding over to his side of the booth. Shinji retook his hand, holding it with both of his. “I understand. It’s scary, not knowing what we should be doing, what our grand purpose is… but I think maybe that’s what life is really supposed to be like. I don’t think anyone actually knows what they’re doing, I think we’re just supposed to take it day by day, taking whatever life throws our way in stride. And I also get nightmares... of the battles… of the choker… sometimes I’ll wake up and it’ll feel like I’m drowning in LCL. But I did some research. These nightmares will fade with time. But dealing with them alone, in the dark, is difficult.”

Kaworu nodded vigorously, “Exactly, and then when you realize what happened, it’s like there’s this crushing sadness. Like you’re alone in the universe, like these things won’t ever end, it begins to feel like a curse.” 

Shinji nodded, “But you know? I think there’s hope, I was actually doing some thinking, and maybe it would be easier to deal with the trauma if we weren’t alone all the time? It could be better if we had each other to look out for.”

Kaworu’s face lit up with hope, he’d thought he was alone in his suffering, he’d thought there was no way to change his situation, but spending more time with Shinji could be a welcome change. He thinks he’d be happier that way. “I think that would be wonderful. What exactly are you suggesting?”

Shinji blushed, “Remember that time you slept over in my room and we talked together? All those loops ago? Well what if we shared an apartment together?”

Kaworu couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Living with Shinji? The one person who made him feel like he could do anything? It seemed almost too good to be true. “I’d love that, Shinji.” He said, excitement obvious in his voice and expression.

Shinji let out a breath he’d been holding, “Great! I’m sorry, I was kind of nervous about asking you that. To be honest I wasn’t sure you’d even want to associate with me after all the suffering I caused you.”

Kaworu frowned, “Shinji, don’t ever be sorry, it was always my choice to sacrifice myself for you. It wore me down doing it over and over again, and it never seemed to end, but in times when I considered skipping the cycle, just letting nature take its course, I’d remember all the times you smiled after we spent a moment in the baths, or while we stared at the stars together, and I’d realize time and time again that it was worth it. If I could provide even the slightest bit of reprieve for you, I’d try again no matter how many times it takes.”

Shinji smiled in his soft, shy way, the way that lit the fire in Kaworu’s heart. “Did you really mean everything you said in those cycles?”

Kaworu placed Shinji’s hand over his chest, “With all my heart, every time. I love you, Shinji. And I don’t think I could stop loving you if I tried.”

Shinji smiled again, brilliantly like a sunrise after an endless dark night, “I think… I love you too Kaworu, and I want to be there for you like you’ve been there for me.”

And just like that, it seemed like color finally filled out his dreary world. Kaworu couldn’t help it. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Shinji, resting his chin on his neck. And as Shinji wrapped his arms around him in turn, he felt such a feeling of elation it seemed like he would float off into the stars at any moment. And in that moment, Kaworu was sure that everything would work itself out.


	2. Move in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaworu arrives at their apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All this time we thought Kaworu was the distinguished gay, when really he was a disaster gay all along. #GreatestAnimePlotTwists
> 
> Cw: a panic attack is described

Kaworu walked along the street, his single suitcase clicking and clacking as it ran over the sidewalk pavement. Around his shoulders was the strap that held his keyboard, which was a bit heavy, but not too uncomfortable to walk with. As he came to the intersection he walked by some pigeons that were hanging around the sidewalk, possibly looking for food. Maybe he was like a pigeon, he thought. He tried coming up with a similarity besides the fact that he and pigeons shared similarly colored hair, but he could not think of one. If anything, he was like an anti pigeon. Pigeons constantly did what their biology told them to, be it eat or sleep or defecate on passerby, and yet he’d spent his whole lives going against his angel programming to help Shinji and humanity. He smiled thinking of the boy he was moving in with, he wondered if Shinji liked pigeons. They were annoying sometimes, but Shinji would manage to find the beauty in their life. Maybe they should get a pet. He could see Shinji with a fluffy little dog, laughing as it licked his face, or maybe a lazy cat that would let them lay with it on the sofa. As long as it would make Shinji happy, he’d get any animal. But wait, what about him? Kaworu was supposed to be thinking about what would make himself happy. He thinks he’d be happy if Shinji were happy… and if he needed a non-Shinji related reason, it could be nice to have a friend who didn’t require conversation. A friend who just loved and expected nothing in return.

With thoughts of fluffy animals and Shinji, he arrived in a pleasant mood at their new apartment. Shinji had arrived earlier, so it was likely he’d already set his things up. He took the elevator up and knocked on the door. A few seconds later, Shinji opened the door, a big smile on his face as he welcomed Kaworu.

“Hello Kaworu! Come in, come in! It’s still pretty barren since we don’t have much furniture yet, but I set my things up, could I help you with your things?” Shinji eyed the keyboard case, “Is that- a keyboard? Do you think we could maybe play it together sometime?” Shinji blushed, scratching the back of his head nervously, “Only if you want to that is.”

Kaworu brightened, “Absolutely! It might have been presumptuous of me, but I got some sheet music of popular duets to play! I just… got excited thinking of playing with you again.” Kaworu laughed, relieved Shinji had brought it up.

Shinji just looked at Kaworu. It was clear they were both remembering the times they’d spent on the piano during the apocalypse. Playing as if the world would end at any moment. There was something unspoken in the air. Shinji opened his mouth to speak, but retracted whatever he was going to say. After a moment of collecting himself, he spoke again, “When it happened, and you died, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. So having you here now, alive and tangible…” he was tearing up, but Kaworu waited patiently.

“The pain of losing you was too much. And I know it doesn’t make sense, but there’s a part of me that’s still mad at you for dying.” Shinji frowned and continued with a shaky voice, “But there’s a larger, more vocal part of me that’s overjoyed you’re alive again. So I ask you, this time, please, don’t put yourself in danger. Please stay alive, don’t waste this miracle.”

Kaworu contemplated for a moment. It’s true he hadn’t minded dying for Shinji in the past, usually it seemed like the natural thing to do. But he had never thought about what effect his death might have had on Shinji, because he just didn’t see much value in his own life. But this time was different. He had a chance to live now.

“I know in the past, I didn’t mind dying for you. I thought that as long as you were happy, my life was inconsequential.” Shinji frowned and Kaworu continued, “But this has changed. I want... to live this time. Not just because my death would upset you. This time, I want to be selfish. I want to experience new things with you. So if you’ll let me, I’d like to spend my life alongside you.”

Shinji smiled briefly, before his face warped into frustration. “I’m sorry, but that isn’t enough.”

Kaworu’s heart immediately turned to ice, and he shivered from the unexpected rejection, trying to ignore the ringing in his ears. When he spoke, his eyes watered, and his voice wavered, “Then what do you want? Do you want me to leave?” Despite the turmoil he was feeling, he tried to smile through the tears. If leaving would make Shinji happy, he would have no choice but to do that. But it was tearing him apart.

Shinji reached for Kaworu, then retracted his hand, he had to get his point across. “No, Kaworu, you don’t get it. I shouldn’t- I won’t be your sole reason for living. If we are going to do this, you need to promise me, that if anything happens to me, you’ll continue living. That you’ll move on.”

Kaworu felt relief at that, but still foreboding gripped his heart, and he could feel himself breathing faster, like he couldn’t get enough oxygen. Shinji rushed forward, holding onto Kaworu to give him stability, and forced Kaworu to look at him.

“Kaworu, I need you to breathe. Breathe with me okay?” Slowly, Shinji inhaled and Kaworu copied. He held his breath for 5 seconds, then exhaled slowly. They repeated this until Kaworu had calmed down.

“It’s ok, I’m fine and nothing is going to happen to me. But can you just promise that if something does, you’ll continue to live for me? That’s my one request. If you can do that, I’ll gladly share my life with you.” Shinji stared into Kaworu’s eyes and smiled reassuringly.

Kaworu decided not to think about it too hard. He was panicking over nothing, this was a completely hypothetical scenario. Nothing bad was happening to them right now. And if something did… he could probably figure it out. As much as it hurt him to think of a world without Shinji, he would live if only because Shinji asked him to.

“I promise.” He replied softly, and Shinji’s face broke out into a smile. Carefully he led Kaworu to the couch, the sole piece of furniture in the room, and they sat down together. Shinji nudged Kaworu into leaning against him, and once they found a comfortable position, he stroked Kaworu’s hair soothingly as Kaworu snuggled up against him, exhausted from the panic attack. Eventually they fell asleep like that, at peace for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure how many of these little stories I’ll make, but I plan on posting every couple of days so stay tuned!


	3. The Mall Saga, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Shinji gets a headache, that’s what.

The next morning, Kaworu and Shinji slept in as much as they could. Unfortunately, reality was a cruel mistress, and her name was Asuka. Kaworu blinked one eye open to find Shinji’s phone ringing, but he was still dead asleep. Sometime in the night they had taken to lying down on the full length of the couch, Shinji on top of Kaworu. He smiled. Whatever Asuka’s emergency was, it could wait. He took Shinji’s phone and rejected the call. He settled back in, prepared to enjoy this, when not a moment later the same phone rang again. Asuka, again. Couldn’t she take a hint? He rejected the call again. Slightly annoyed, he tried to settle in again, when it rang again. This time Shinji noticed, bleary-eyed as he tried to reacquaint himself with reality. After a moment, he realized their position and the phone ringing.

“Oh shit! It’s Asuka! She’ll kill us if we don’t pick up!”

Shinji reached for the phone, and Kaworu reluctantly returned the confiscated goods.

“Hello, Asuka?” Shinji spoke. Kaworu vaguely recognized the yelling voice at the other end. Kaworu decided, once again, not to let Asuka rain on his parade, and leaned back, pulling Shinji with him. Shinji rolled his eyes and went along with it. Kaworu closed his eyes and tuned the conversation out. It went on for a minute until finally Shinji hung up. Kaworu grinned, time for more peace. 

Unfortunately for angel face, Shinji had other ideas, like getting off the couch, and then, as if adding salt to the wound, he reached for Kaworu’s hands and forced him to get up as well. Oh the cruelty, thought Kaworu. He could not believe this betrayal. Suddenly he got an idea. He let himself go limp, dragging Shinji to the floor with him.

“Kaworu what the hell.” Shinji squeaked as he fell.

“I’m sorry Shinji, it seems I’ve fallen and I can’t get up, might as well stay here and wait for LifeAlert to come.” He gasped dramatically.

“Kaworu, you idiot, you have to press a button for LifeAlert to activate.” Shinji whined.

Kaworu grinned with mischief, held up his finger, and booped Shinji’s nose. “Button pressed.”

Shinji blushed and rolled away, “Fine! Stay there! I’ll just go to the mall with Asuka by myself and you can lay there like the sad potato you are!”

Seeing Shinji get up, Kaworu followed, mourning the loss of his morning. But he couldn’t let Asuka have time alone with Shinji, for she was a wily witch with nefarious schemes. He wasn’t jealous or anything. It was for Shinji’s safety.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaworu and Shinji arrived at the mall five minutes before they were supposed to be there. Five minutes later there was no sign of Asuka. But! Five minutes after that there was also no sign of Asuka and Kaworu was beginning to get antsy. He wanted to explore the mall, for malls hold secrets that either entrance or terrify mall-goers, such as Furbies. Kaworu may have been an angel at one point, but even he had trouble telling whether Furbies were cute or demonic. He saw a Furby skeleton online the other day, and for the first time, he had to admit that perhaps instrumentality had its benefits.

“Kaworu, you’re thinking pretty loudly. What’s on your mind?” Shinji looked up at him, concerned.

Kaworu wasn’t sure he wanted to share the awful truth with Shinji. Ignorance is truly bliss sometimes. But maybe it’d be better to share the burden of this knowledge with a trustworthy ally. “Have you ever seen a Furby skeleton?”

Shinji balked, “A what now? You know what, nevermind. We aren’t going down this rabbit hole right now.”

Kaworu laughed, “Ok, ok. You’re right. There’s no way Satan would use Furbies to take over mankind. That’d be silly.” Kaworu looked around, faking suspicion, and spotted Asuka walking towards them. He pointed towards her. “Speak of the devil.”

Shinji chuckled briefly before chastising him, “Don’t be mean, Kaworu!”

Asuka walked up, “Sup loser.” she said casually, addressing Shinji. 

She moved onto Kaworu, seemingly taking in his appearance, “Hey minion, how’s being whipped going these days?”

Kaworu scoffed, “Not bad, though I suppose you would know more about whips than I do, Ms. Dominatrix.” 

Shinji shook his head, “That’s enough you two, I want to check out the Disney store before school ends and the mall is invaded by teenagers.”

Asuka laughed, “What are you, 12? We’re going to Francesca’s first.”

Kaworu spoke up, “First, you have no room to talk after you forced us to listen to you karaoke-ing the entire Moana soundtrack last week. Second, do I look like a basic white girl? I’m not going to Francesca’s.”

Asuka smirked, shaking her finger at him, “This is where you have made a critical mistake, for I know for a fact that you love jewelry, and I guarantee after seeing their selection you will be on your knees begging for forgiveness.”

Kaworu frowned, “Like hell I will, I’d rather French kiss a Furby.”

Asuka frowned in confusion, “That’s… quite a specific and weird thing to think of doing.” She shook her head. “Regardless, Francesca’s is that way, come boys, it’s time for you to learn how to accessorize.”

She started walking, and Shinji laughed, dragging Kaworu along. “C’mon, you know there’s no way to change her mind once she has decided to do something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love writing comical scenes, they come so much more easily to me than serious scenes.

**Author's Note:**

> I just want these two to be happy ok. And also together. Forever. Because I’m a sucker for a happy ending.


End file.
